I Love You, I Love You Not.......

Today? A moan.

I don't like to do it, I prefer to use sarcasm really. But I, unfortunately, can not muster enough sarcasm to joke about a subject so close to my heart.

That's right. Nail polish.

As you know, I took full advantage of the No7 £5 vouchers on offer recently *shakes fists at their irresistible marketing strategy*. I've been impressed by the lipsticks, and it's a shame I've overlooked this brand in the past because Wild Volume in Forever Cherry is definitely worth a repurchase.

HOWEVER.

When you go to the No7 counter, you can't help but marvel at the nail polish display. There's a rainbow of colours and for me, it was like, totes hard to decide which one i wanted.

Which is why I've ended up with 6. Ooooops. Colour-wise, it's a LOVE FEST between them and I.

I've got Devil's Delight (great autumn red), Temptress (the perfect winter colour to complement pale skin), Foxglove, Totally Teal (I was totally lusting after this for like, a year), Cheeky Chops (very Betty Draper) and MY FAVOURITE colour- Poolside Blue (look at me nails, hello).

Quality-wise....I ain't happy. If you pay full price for these, it's a spend of 7 quid. At full price, my collection would have set me back £42. Fair enough, you might think, for quality polish and great colours.

Personally, I don't think it's fair enough for polish that has more chips than a chocolate cookie.

Yesterday, I slicked on my Poolside Blue, started preparing dinner (after a good wait, obvs). I had to touch it up after 15 minutes!!!!

I know it's the highstreet and I'm not paying premium money so I can't expect premium results blah blah blah. But Barry M is £2.99 and I am so much more impressed with the quality.

You shouldn't be expected to pay £7 for a polish that chips like this does. I would pay £7 so that I don't have to worry. So that I can slick it on and know it's one less thing I have to worry about. This stuff is like a child, it needs constant attention.

As it is, I paid £2 a pop for these, and for that, I'm happy. But in all honesty, I wouldn't say it was a bargain because these are just not worth what No7 are asking for them. Generally, other products I've tried from this brand are worthy of their price tags and (if only I had the cash) I'd be happy to fork out for them.

But something's got to give here; better quality or lower price........or just keep giving me £5 vouchers. And then, like an honest, moral human being, I will shut my trap and just keep buying....

Poolside Blue on my digits last night. Touch ups x 3.

The Closest I'll Ever Come to Being Kelly Rowland

The X Factor. Girlllll put it dowwwwwn.

*tumbleweed...awkward cough* ...excuse me. I am not cool enough to pull of the Kelly Rowland. But what i HAVE been lusting over is her ability to pull off a colour pop lip. Did anyone see the matt red on Saturday night? I went out to dinner after the show but my mind kept wandering....how, HOW would I ever be able to do 'The Kelly'??? All my reds have too much of a sheen....sure there's the Sleek Pout, but even that looks too heavy duty.

Turns out I had the anwer RIGHT THERE in my over-flowing  make up box and I didn't even realise!

To achieve this look,  don't use a lipstick.....just go in your underwear (not literally your underwear, I mean your lipstick underwear)....use your lip liner.

I've had this for a while now, so I'm cursing myself for not using it sooner. Fool, normalface, fool!

Barry M Lip Liner in Red....

At first when I put it on I thought...this might be a mistake. You have to be really careful with a strong colour like this, it has to be applied pretty evenly and precisely or you look like a bit of a fool (been there, done that. *Said in Kelly voice* Heyll, girlfriend ain't goin' back THERE again.)

So anywat, lip liner applied and looking matt just the way I wanted. Bravo to me. Then I take a casual trip to Tesco, and I get stopped by a glamourous older lady in the car park. Conversation as follows:

Her: Excuse me, can you help me?

Me: *Thinking if her cat is stuck up a tree I am NOT climbing* Errr....yes?

Her: *Sighing* I have been everywhere today- Debenhams, John Lewis, looking for a matt red lip that doesn't get on your teeth, that stays on, that's old fashioned....I just want what I used to have when I was in my twenties, you know?

Me: Yes. I totally know.

Her: I can not find it anywhere. None of the expensive brands. Nothing. But You....You my dear, are wearing the exact thing I want. Where did you get it from?

Me: *Pointing to lips which are still looking good despite a Costa medium skinny latte* This?! It's Barry M Lip Liner.

Her: *Looking confused- this is clearly a woman of PREMIUM glamour* Barry M?! I've never heard of it!

Me: It's in Boots or Superdrug. It's like £4.

Her: *Looking gobsmacked* £4?! Is that it?

Me: *Wishing I had the kind of money where £4 could just be pissed on, too* Yes, £4.

Her: Thank you my dear! *Starts off with trolley somewhere...I assume Tesco.*

I didn't ask- but I bet she too, had been inspired to do 'The Kelly'.

So me and my mouth are pretty proud of ourselves today. Which is odd because usually we're runnin' ourselves in to trouble.

I have this in Pink too and I'l definitely be investing in some other colours from the range. Generally Barry M lipstick can be a little too matt to work with, but these liners are great and an absolute STEAL! (Not literally steal....it's not cool to be chased by an ageing security guard who is probably a mate of your dad's, kid...)

I know, this is an awful picture, so go and buy the product and see it on a face that isn't currently a dot-to-dot of acne.

ON THE NEWS FRONT- AND REASONS TO BE PROUD OF OURSELVES- Me and my mouth have a new job! We're proper journalists now :) That's right, I'm working on a great daily paper and I can not WAIT to get to work. I'll be moving as well *excited/ very nervous quiver* so I shall be posting you updates on how the style of my new town fares....I hope there are Kelly lovers there, too.

Still My Favourite Number

Okay so I have totally been sucked in to the demon cycle that is the Boots No 7 £5 vouchers. You get one, you think 'oooh, just a lipstick...'.

You take said lipstick to the till.

Congrats, your purchase qualifies you for ANOTHER voucher.

You put voucher in your bag. Before walking past the No 7 counter on your way out...

except you never make it.

Because you end up buying the other shade you wanted but couldn't get because you only had one voucher and you had to make a choice.

So you take THAT to the till. Congrats, your purchase qualifies you for another voucher.

Hands up if you've recently found yourself spending the day in your local store?!

ANYWAY, this is not to moan, because I just wanted to say if you DO get yourself a voucher (and all make up is 3 for 2 in there right now....damn them. DAMN THEM.) then the lipsticks really are worth some consideration.

At first, I was a bit 'meh.' But then, a while back, I got the Wild Volume lipstick in Forever Cherry. I hadn't really worn it until today when I thought I'd give it a proper whirl. I applied it once. ONCE, gals.

And then I went about my day. I was chatting, working, having a trip to Costa (which obviously involved drinking AND eating).

And so it was with massive surprise when I looked in the mirror literally almost four hours later to find it was still intact!

Without the voucher, I do consider £10 to be quite a big purchase when you can get a MAC for only a few squid more. This is also my thought on the fact these babies only contain 3g of product.
But then I guess with hold like this, it's going to last for ages. Probably longer than my love for lipstick. JOKES. They can never break this bond! We're the modern day Romeo and Juilet.

I also have Sheer Temptation in Showy. Very sheer bright pink. Love it.

And Stay Perfect in Tangerine Dream. I WAS tempted by the bright coral of Gay Geranium, but then I worried I might look a little, well...Gay Geranium.

At least this one has the word 'dream' in it, so I can at least pretend to myself I look lovely and not like some washed out old prune.

The three together. 'The Triplets', if you will.

Damn You, Boots!

So. They're doing it again.

Don't pretend like you have no idea what I'm talking about- we all love it.

That's right, Boots. And their bloody 3 for 2. MUST they do this to me?! 'We love Autumn' signs all around the store, all of these new ranges of seasonal make up and hair care. Oh! It's a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions. I knew my money was a gone-r before I even stepped inside.

But boy, did I step inside.

So what did I get in this fest of mine? Well first up is this-

Collection 2000's Shimmer and Shades in 'Blushalicious'

Ya'll know I got the bronze-y/ coppery version of this a while ago and it's good for everything- shimmering, shading.....basically shimmering and shading like what it's called. DUH!
But I was having a play with this and I was like 'hmmm.....I seem to have overlooked your potential pretty little palette....come with me.'
On a nice base, colours like these can really lift your face. And LORD KNOWS mine needs lifting right now.

In spite of my love of Autumn (hello, finally an excuse to hide the whale flesh), I'm mourning summer a little.

Mainly because in this country we didn't really have one. And also because I'm so poor and my career has basically gone down the pan before it's even started that all hope of a holiday anytime in the next....150 years....is gone.

So the closest I can get to sun, sea and seistas is on my face. Whilst the rest of me feels truly neglected, my noggin looks like a five year old's birthday party right now.

 Laugh, but you know it's a party you want an invite to. Sorry, only losers allowed.

I'm so disappointed my camera doesn't show the true colour in the top picture. But hey, there are more disappointing things in life. Like being only 22 and having the crows feet of a 45 year old because you are so disillusioned with life you WISH YOU NEVER BOTHERED WITH WORKING HARD IT WASN'T WORTH IT.....sorry- I let personal feelings get in to my blogging then and Lord knows I am a professional *pah* I should never have let that happen....

This is 17 Mirror Shine lipstick in Peace. I have this is in Hollywood but I don't really wear it that often, mainly because my natural instinct is to go for a matt lip.

But every now and then a gloss is nice. In a kind of 'Oh I'm being casual and yes I have bed hair and natural skin but all I had to do was slick a bit of this high shine gloss on and voila! I'm captivating.'

They dont need to know how much foundation and highlighter you had to slap on for that dewy skin glow! Or how long it took you to perfect the 'bed head.' VO5 made a small fortune from you for that.

But, if you want to go for a 'notice me. NOW. Or I WILL stand on you' style, look no further than this.....

17 Lasting Fix Lipstick in Pink Power. And the best part is, it was free! Gloriously free.

At least Boots loves me.....and my overdraft.

I Take It Back

A few months ago I....basically berated lilac nail polish. I was all 'meh, I prefer deeper colours. I'm so cool.' This came in a beauty UK review of the Glam Nails polish in Candyfloss. And I stick by my review, but....

Well, gals....I was wrong about lilac nail polishes. I shouldn't have tarred them all with the same, polish covered brush.

I'm was like a woman who has been soured by love and cheating men and is sitting at the bar after one too many martinis on your hen night telling you not to do it because "all men are the same. RATS!" Before downing another shot and getting off with the barman.

Like with men, you just have to find the right one.

And ladies. I have.

This is Barry M nail polish in Berry Lilac. And I LOVE it.

Firstly, I love the formulation.

Next, I love the shine.

After this, I love how flattering it is for my ol' sausage fingers.

And mostly, I love how it has restored my faith in the muted nail. Bravo Barry M. Now take me down the aisle!

KISS ME!

Don't panic, I haven't got drunk and alone and started feeling desperate for affection again! I know, disappointing.

'Kiss Me' happens to be the name of one of my new fave lipsticks, courtesy of Rimmel Colour Show Off.

Basically, I'm quite pleased with myself because I really wanted Clarins in Rosy Coral. But that was well dilusional, as if I can afford that. I was looking for a similar brightening colour and I think this one matches fairly well. It's a bit more corall-y but I like. I think it would be quite nice for a pared down look, go neutral on the eyes and glowy on the skin.

I would recommend Rimmel Colour Show Off to anyone. But maybes not my worst enemy as I don't want them to look nice, obvs. I have previously written about the Be Bold shade before, if you care to remember.

And if you don't, WELL!.....then fair play. I do tend to go on and on. Half the time I'm not even listening to myself.

TBF, the main thing I love about this line of lippies is the smell. Seriously, if I hadn't have had that bad experience with eating lipstick last year, I'd totes be munching on this baby.

Hey Nudey....Put Some Clothes On. Please. Normalface, PLEASE!

Fear not, for there is no danger of seeing any exposed areas. Don't worry, this is a safe place. And I have a court order on me promising I wouldn't do that again. Not in public at least. I mean come on, I'm only human.

But this post is not about birthday suits. It's about the nude LOOK. For face, not body.

So, one thing I do more than I eat junk food (I know. If you can believe it) is read magazines. And one look I'm loving from the new A/W season is this whole glowing, dewy skin thing. Who doesn't want to look like they've got a lantern inside their head?|!...not in a 'OHMIGOD that girl's head is about to EXPLODE!' way. In a 'WOW. I'm straight and I have a boyfriend but will you please kiss me?' way.

The first thing you need, ideally, is clear fresh skin. Anyone that reads this blog regularly will know this is NOT me. I will do a post later on the products I've been using to keep out of Pussville recently. Don't get me wrong- I'm always bodering on its outskirts. Like on the B-route in to it. But sometimes there's a roundabout where I can make a reverse turn on the way. Basically- I know Pussville. I know it well. But I'm not a resident. For the time being at least.

ANYWAY, I was in Boots yesterday perusing the make up stands as usual when I came across a brand I've neglected of late. Let's be honest,  Collection 2000 is not exactly 'de rigour' is it? But nevertheless, I was really impressed by what I saw (and what I put all over my hands). I picked up this stuff for my take on the A/W nude look- aka inevitable disaster!

This is the Shimmer and Shade pallette in Way to Glow. I really like this. The camera- because it is DOG BREATH- does not pick up the shimmer as much as it should :( The bronze is really nice for eyes and I like to use the golden colour on the brow bone. The pink is a good highlighter and the....pinky brown colour is great for sculpting.

Of course I say all of this like I know what I'm doing. Well I practised yesterday- okay?! And FYI- I looked lovely. 

I also got- as it was 3 for 2, what was I supposed to do?!- The big fake mascara (which is okay as mascaras go, but no Maybelline) and the much coveted Lating Perfection concealer, which, as others have said, is totes brilliant. Seriously. I was a bit 'meh' about this because I though 'really? All that hype for a £4 product?' but it does a splendid job

And the last thing is Creme Puff lipgloss. Well, it's not technically a gloss because it's a matt creme. And tbh, it's lush. This look requires a juicy lip that looks naked but isn't. Kind of like you want to say 'you can kiss me if you want. But I will taste of sweetness. And you will fall in love.'

So far, no one has taken me up on the offer. Time to get agitated and naked again.

You know when you hit rock bottom?.....And THEN you fall even further and realise you didn't even realise what rock bottom was before now, sweetie, THIS is where it's really at?

Well, today has been one of those days.

Maybe I'm just having one of those lives, I don't know.

What I do know is that I'm at a point where even lipstick- yes my beloved LIPSTICK- isn't cheering me up.

Never mind. Because before I hit Crap Central and the Boulevard of Shit Street, I did discover a lip product that I wanted to talk to you about. Tbh you're probably sick of people talking about it (I've been out of the blogger loop for a while so I son't know what you guys have been talking about, but I'm pretty sure it includes this. But again, what do I know. You could have been talking about atomic atoms and the definition of pie.)

'Tis this- Sleek's Pout Paint.

I'LL UPLOAD PICS TOMORROW AS EVEN BLOGGER IS BEING A JERK TO ME NOW.

I have to admit- I was totes won over by the Superdrug display. I know, I know. I should learn to control myself. And also not to use shop testers. But not only did I pick up germs from doing it. I picked up an amaze lip colour.

To put it simply- I really like this stuff. It's kind of matt, it's buildable, it lasts for ages. At first I was a bit like 'hmmm £4.99....but it's.....small. I want big.' But this is one case where good things really DO come in small packages.

A little goes a looooooooooooong way.

Which could also be said for the bad luck I'm having these past 22 years.

And FYI- the only definition of pie is 'Eat Me.'

As promised, here's the uploaded pic. I can not tell you how good this product us. Well, I could, but you wouldn't believe me. So try it for yourself.

Monkeying Around- My Daily Routine For Not Looking Like An Animal

Tonight my boyfriend and I are going to see 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' (is it me, or does that seem a bit of a long title, like I get to the second 'of the' and my mouth is all 'enough already, stuff me with popcorn!' They should have just called it 'Monkeys' or something).

Anyway, it will be a bit of a sentimental occasion for me. You know, seeing my family up there on the big screen.

You may laugh but beneath this beautiful goddess-like exterior, there is an extremely hairy mammal at large (sounds so wrong now I read that back).

So, ladies, it's time we talked about something a little..well, not really that talked about unless you're JLo and getting paid a ridic amount of money to prance around a beach and pretend like you DON'T have a maid to shave your legs for you. Which you so obviously do, because you're JLo.
That's right......Hair removal.

It's a subject close to my heart (not least because my chest is covered in hair.) I don't know about any of you, but I'm going to just go ahead and get it out there. Like an AA meeting for the genetically challenged....My name is Normalface and I naturally grow thick hair, fast.

There, I said it. I'm out.

We Brits are somewhere between the Germans (let it all hang loose) and those from LA ('I do not even want to SMELL hair on me, GOT IT?!!!') And to be honest, I guess hair comes down to personal preference.

My personal situation (it grows by the second, not the day) means that my preference is to be like the Miss Trunchball of body hair. I will hunt it down. And I will throw it in the Chokey.

We all like that extra insulation a couple of day's overgrowth can give to legs on a frosty winter morn.

But it doesnt exactly make me want to take my clothes off.

And those close to me will know that taking my clothes off is a sort of hobby of mine. Nobody enjoys it. But what do I care.

So now I share with you the secrets of my hairless success. It takes time. And it takes a lot of money in shower water. But these are some great products if you want to reduce the fuzz factor whilst simultaneously having a life (a secret I am yet to master.)

My personal opinion is that you can't go wrong with this stuff. That's a lie, you can most definitely go wrong. Leave it on for too long, especially in a sensitive area and well, you can wave goodbye to your skin as well as your hair. But practice makes perfect.

Using hair removal creams means less ingrown hairs than shaving. And let's face it, plucking at inward growing knee hairs in front of your boyfriend really isn't the best way to go about anything. Unless the thing you're trying to go about is making him run a mile.
I really would recommend this for hair anywhere (let's not go in to too much detail. We all have areas. And we all have a duty to ourselves to look after them.)

With the rising cost of petrol and bills, you might think that shaving creme is just one necessity too far. But it really does make a difference to your results. No one wants shaving rash. Unless you're trying to get out of a really awful date/ reunion/ meeting and you need an injury that a) looks horrendous enough to be believable but b) will clear up without any lasting scars.

I can't take all the credit for this one. It was actually a tip from Nicola Roberts. I said that like I know her. I don't. But I read it in a magazine, so it must be true, right?!

Apparently she uses this as an aide to shaving.

Well tbh, I don't really care if she said it or not. It's a damn good tip so it could have been said by Zippo the Clown for all I care. (You laugh, but that guy has been rocking the red lip trend for years. He doesn't look like such a joke now, does he?!)

 Leaves your skin feeling marvellous and baby soft.

The Things We Do For Fashion

Starve ourselves. Major LOLs, we wouldn't dream of that!

No, I am not starring in a budget version of 'Goldfinger' (though imagine how amazing THAT would be). I, being the socially conscious misfit I am, read in a bunch of magazines that sunshine yellow was THE colour for nails this season....

Why I'm telling you lot this, I don't know. If you're bothering to read this blog you read as many magazines as I do......and prbably avoided this trend.

Well I like to think of myself as the Ghandi of the budget beauty world. Tirelessly striving on behalf of my cash-strapped people for the best in the latest cosmetic buys. I know, I'm dangerously close to receiving that OBE already.

And if any of my experiments have deserved such an award, it is this. Damn you Chanel Mimosa, look what you have done to the fingernails of fashion slaves like me!....Before you ask,this is not Chanel Mimosa. £20 something for a nail polish, are you kidding me?! That'd feed my family for a week! (Jokes, I eat like a horse.....I could eat a horse......but then I would be a kind of weird cannibal type creature).

This is Buttercup by George at ASDA Quick Dry.

I think the photograph speaks for itself. But my conclusion is thus: If you really WANT to do this to yourself and I can't stop you, slap on the fake tan first and foremost and apply it to your toenails. Because that might look okay.....and not like you have the hands of ET and everytime you touch something you're trying to 'phone home'.

My Picks For The New Season

I know. No puns, no lame one-liners. Just a simple blog title. But don't be fooled- this is no simple post.

Oh no, there is salivating akimbo at my end. 

Granted, it may be August. The sun may be shining. My Sure Maximum Protect anti-perspirant may be tested to the limit. I may be using fake tan like there's no tomorrow......

And yet I am SO excited for autumn already!

Maybe it's because the whale flesh can be covered up more easily in the chilly months?.....But personally I think it's because I get to go SHOPPING!

And unlike those idiot looters over the last couple of days- I like to actually pay honestly for things. And as for the buffoon who burnt down Miss Selfridge?! Well, sacrilige should be punished with a burning of his own! He was sporting a JD bag for pete's sake, he wouldn't know style if Anna Wintour punched him in the face.

Not that I can imagine Anna Wintour punching anyone.
......................I imagine her as a Medusa type character-------- if ever she removes those sunnies and looks you in the eyes....well....you're in the shit.

Anwyay, back to what we came here to do.

Here are my (fashion- I will do beauty later) picks of the A/W season. Some of them are dreams. Mere dreams. Some of them, however, I've already bagged. Because I'm that frickin' smooth, baby.



How Mad Men. A beaut from River Island. And ALREADY in my closet.

£50......

Imagine if River Island was an actual place. I mean, I know it is a place; it's a shop. But imagine if it was an actual island. Imagine the Amazonian models prancing around in the latest get-up.....Then again, maybe not.

These are FABULOUS. And not just if you're a well dressed robber. RI, £24.99


And now we enter New Look.......

I love love LOVE these shoes! As soon as pay day comes, I'm getting them. Provided I can shove my sausage feet in to them....I usually have to go for the wide fit in New Look...there was an unfortunate incident with some cut out peep toes in the 'normal' section last week......it was not pretty and it did involve a certain someone being escorted away. £29.99

And these. £19.99. Now, I did try these on, and I know they feet. 1-0 to me.

£27.99. I like this.

£24.99. Very Frankie Sandford.

I know it's autumn, but I still think colours are a must, £34.99

These booties are from Very, £40.00.......and just between me and you, they're REALLY easy to walk in. .....Not that *cough* I have them already....*cough*

Now Boohoo....No I'm not crying, I'm talking the fashion label....

£20.00. I wish I had the figure to pull this off....but then I'm sure I've seen Joan Holloway in a similar number and she has both front luggage AND junk in the trunk....sooooooooooooooo.................

Accessorize. Yes, they're £16.00- but they've got the word 'Queen' in the name! SOLD!




Off With Her Head! (Of Dead Hair)

My hair and I are having a bit of a lover's tiff. Usually, we are the life and soul of the volume party, the envy of all our friends. The thickness we've got? Well, it's like no other.

But recently, things have gone a bit.....Flat. I don't know if it's sitting in a hot office all day that my hair feels as bad as I do, or what. And we've tried to get past this, we've had all kinds of hair therapy.

But it's like we just don't understand each other right now, you know?

The FINAL STRAW in this stale mariage came just yesterday when someone asked me "What's it like being a ginger?"

Now, as we all know, there is NOTHING wrogn with being a ginger. Hello, Joan Holloway, anyone?!

Not even my attempts at Rita Hayworth glam ar working. And yes, granted, I spend most of the working day picking at split ends.

And since life doesn't seem to be going anywhere right now, I decided my hair would.

All over the hairdresser's floor.

Like another famous red head with a penchant for feasting, I decided that it's 'for the chop.'

So farewell split ends, adios. Cut and colour here we come.

Whom art thou?

As anyone who reads this blog will know *cough* just me, not even my own mother bothers *cough* I am a....what you would call a....yea.....MAHUSIVE Beyonce fan. That's not to say I'm massive (though I do need to lay off the baked goods. It's going to cost me a bomb in fake tan to do my wobbly bits at this rate). What I mean to say is, I really love Queen B. I was feeling really down the other day about life and where it's going and the fact I'd chipped my nail polish *sigh* what's a gal to do?! So then I did what we all do when we're down on life....I youtubed Beyonce. Natch.

And this documentary made me get back up on my feet again. She's literally awe inspiring, so take a peek if you have time.....

So anywhoo, I'm loving the Beyonce, getting some of her new tunes all up in my grill when I come across THIS.

Oh right, a nice pretty white blonde lady.

WAIIIIIIITTTT.....WHat the BeJeeBErs?! That's Mrs Z?!

oh idol, I'm so disappointed. Dontcha know that your success is built on your immense talents and not on the colour of your skin?|! Now take off that wig, embrace your true self and go back to doing what we love you for......belting out a tune and shaking your money maker.

It's Tan O'Clock!

AAAAANNNNDDDDD she's back with cheesy avengeance! (But not cheese-coloured).

It's definitely, if I were to define my pigment- a 'Golden Glow.' And it's all down to St.Mortiz tan. No, they're not even paying me to advertise. But if life were the Oprah Winfrey show, I'm doing a Tom Cruise- jumping on sofas- I'm so in love- right about now.

I know I'm slow on the uptake (not the first time I've been told this). But I couldn't hide my excitement when I saw this in my local Savers for £2.99. I'd heard whispers it was a bargain. And so I barged right in and got myself some. Mousse and Spray. It strikes me as odd they named a tan after a snowy place, but who am I to complain? Only place I've been in France is Cherbourg. And if a tanning agent was named after that place....well, I'd steer well clear......

Let me say first of all, I'm not a regular tanner. If I'm wearing it, I'll re-apply. But as soon as I get a whiff of a) biscuit b) patchiness. What am I, a dalmation?! No thanks, Johnson's Holiday Skin, you can keep yourself, mate.

But THIS stuff. This little best have baby *kisses bottle.....only joking....so not joking.....jokes.....no jokes, seriously* Well, it's what dubious tanners like me have been waiting for.

Now, I'd seen photographs on other blogs of the application process. I haven't included any as most of them I saw...well, they just looked like the girls had done something bad in their own hands. Not nice. Yes, it comes out brown.

But then I realised how much of an advantage that is compared to other *cough* failure *cough* tanners I've used. You can see where you've put it instantly. Just please, PLEASE, don't keep it in your hands.....

I'm more a fan of the mousse than of the spray (maybes cos I accidentally dropped my spray bottle and it snapped and so now applying is a real hassle). But generally speaking, you whack it on, leave for a few hours, rinse- Golden Glow. Next Step: Walk around tan with a smug look on your face knowing you should be in the South of France cos you are WAAAAAAAY too fly for this damn town, sistaaaaa!

Rochelle- 0 Normalface- 1

So, you're a rich popstar, hot body, good looks, scarf collection to die for. But what don't you have Rochelle? Oh, that's right- you don't have the ability to get elbows deep in the New Look sale without being papped. Or at least put in Heat's Hoop of Horror.

That's why you have to fork out like 300 quid for- granted- the most beauts scarf this blogger has ever seen, The scarf I have lusted over time and time again. The IT scarf.

So, picture this- it's a Friday afternoon. Work is slow. Everyone's eating sweets and drinking, let's face it, far too much Diet Coke than is healthy. You pop out for some air. You....pass the New Look Sale. You peer in. Okay, okay, you RUN in, you attack those rails like the cookie moster at the Kipling factory.

Should you buy these shoes? They are half price. But then how many pairs of grey heels can a gal have before she's carted off to detox?

What about these earrings? But then you've got some like, near enough the same.

And then you see it. Or, spot it, I should say (major lols at my own joke). It's like in the films when the sun glows down on the sword in the stone or something.

There it is. The leapord print scarf of your dreams. And what's this? £3?!

GO. GO NOW. RUN TO THE TILL! Do not let that scarf out of your sight! Hiss at the other shoppers as they look on enviously......

alright, maybe that's going a little too far. But the Diet Coke OD really is starting to have a bad effect on you.

And here it is- right in your very own home!

So fare well, Rochelle. My time salivating over you has been enjoyable and it has been dehydrating. But now I have a new person to be jealous of. That's right- ME.
Here's to not being famous and being able to raid half price sales at all my favourite high street fashion outlets. Let's just hope they don't bring out any more of those New Look 20% discount vouchers for a while.....you should have seen the mayhem I caused last time. In fact, you will, because I'm planning a post about it. Rochelle, read on.

Where have I been? Payday and the great lipstick mystery

Answer to first question: On the moon. No, I jest. But I just wanted to give you an idea of how far away I've been from being able to afford any cosmetic product whatsoever. Literally, lightyears.

And well, friends, it has been painful.

This is why I nearly CRIED with happiness to see pay day had taken my account out of the red. And straight in to Boots. Oh what goodies did I find? Well, seems as though I have monumentally f*d up as a beauty blogger and left you in the dark for so long, I thought I'd spread my finds over a few posts.

So come in out of the cold, rest those weary feet and take a peruse over my next few musings.

OKAY SO APPARENTLY THIS PIECE OF CRAP WON'T LET ME UPLOAD PICTURES TODAY. I WILL POST NEW BUYS TOMORROW WHEN HOPEFULLY THE WORLD STOPS TRYING TO DO SOMETHING OBSCENE ON ME........

'What do you mean?' I hear you ask. 'What else could have happened to you to make you think the world is against your expensive cosmetics habit, Normalface?!'

WELL, let me tell you. As you can see, lipstick is my love. And I have waited 6 long weeks to get my hands on a particular shade. Literally, every time I've gone in to Boots I've come out with my hands covered in it, crossing off the days on my wall chart till pay day.

Jokes, I don't have a wall chart *if only*

So anywhoo, yesterday arrived, I rushed in at lunchtime, grabbed a few bits like a woman obsessed- probably scared the staff a little- and went around for the rest of the day with a general feeling of smugness.

Oh, what cruel CRUEL twist of fate!

I go to apply. I take off the pink top of my new Rimmel Colour Show Off in 120, Be Bold. I lick my lips in anticipation. I imagine myself as Alexa Chung. Hell,  I can achieve anything in my beautful new lipstick. It's called Be Bold for goodness sake! Me and my nice new lipsti.......oh. Wait.

For in the place of my nice new lipstick. Is this.

*Again pictures not working. Shame. Cos it was a goodun. I'm literally bare faced. But then again, you wouldn't want scares before bedtime.*

*Basically it was the picture of nothing. That's right. The lipstick had been clean snapped off. THERE WAS NOTHING THERE!* *Tears well in eyes again*

Having enough Boots receipts to start my own lessons of Origami, I know my rights. It clearly states they will exchange if cosmetic is 'faulty.' I'd definitely say something's gone a little bit amiss with my lipstick, wouldn't you?!

I'm taking it back tomorrow and they'd best resolve the issue. Or there will be tears. And possibly a one woman protest along with lifelong membership to Superdrug. I'll let you know what happens. Or maybe I won't. Because maybe I'll be chained to the door of Boots singing 'We shall not be moved' for a while.

Has anything like this ever happened to you? What's Boots like for exchanges?

Speaking Volumes

Big hair. I am a woman obsessed. So when I saw this whole new range of products that's appearted on our shelves to give root boost, I knew straightaway I'd be jumping on the bandwagon.

Low and behold, Batiste's new Big and Bouncy XXL Volume Dry Shampoo.

I know this has had a ridic amount of reviews already. But as a fan of the backcomb, how could I resist giving you my views?

Firstly, let me just say I hail the dry shampoo like it's a wonder creation. As a hair-dyer, (of the wash-in, semi permanent variety), I don't want to be colouring my hair too often. Sure, we're all young and fresh now....do I want to be bald at 40? We all know the answer to that. So I have to keep washing to a minimum. This means freshness must come from a can.

Now, as someone with dark hair, I like the brunette version. Dandruff- not a good look. So it's a little annoying this new one is white. Brushing vigorously = effort before work and my standard 3 cups of coffee before I can function.

But wow, are the results totally worth it. I really like the volume this product gives, as well as the obvious freshness. If you ask me, dry shampoo is an essental in any girl's kit. Dry shampoo with an added benefit- marvellous.
I went to London for one of my bff's birthday this weekend and had to travel straight from work. There wasn't much time for styling, but luckily, good old XXL dry shamps was on hand. Just a tick of curling later and a dab of backcomb and my, what a result.

Me and Wilbs. Don't worry- I did refine it a little before we left.

Me, Walton. And the best coconut in the world. Fact.

Just please, if you have thick hair, learn a lesson from me, and wash it out BEFORE you hit the shops the next day......

Amusement for the passengers of the London Underground. I only aim to please.

Ooooh Cheeky!

Sorry for the lack of posting recently. I'm sure you've all been crying yourselves to sleep over it. Basically I've been busy with this 'job' malarkey. But I know that's no excuse!

Anyway, t'is because of said working that I re-found the products I wanted to blog about. When you have a desk and you're talking face to face to people or picking up the phone or hopping out to run errands, it's difficult to keep slappin' the, er, slap on when it's on somebody else's time. (Bring on my day off, I'll be applying like there's no tomorrow!) So you basically have to find things that'll keep you looking fresh and conceal the true monster you are to the paying public. Bliss. And in the depths of my beauty bag, I found these little beauts.

2true cheek n'lip tint in Rose (?) and Blush Pink, £1.99 each of 3 for £4.99

That's right peeps, you heard correct, £1.99 a pop and you know what? A total dupe for Benefit. As you know, I've been harping on about lipstick uphill and downdale, but stains are great for creating that 'made no effort but still look like a god' look. Okay, that may have been a little deluded......but you get the drift.

Because I have dark hair now (all natural *cough* totally natural) the Rose stain looks like a 'just flushed' look for me. The Blush Pink really makes your face pop (not LITERALLY) so it's ideal for days when you're feeling a bit 'meh.'

Me, using Rose on cheeks n' lips. And posing. Natch.
Overall, I'm really pleased with these products. And what's better is they were a re-discovery, so it's not as if I even splashed any cash :)

Oh Boots, just hang on till pay day, baby.....

Discount Kisses

Props to me, my free Revlon lipstick came today :) Oh what a lovely treat for a Friday morn. So thought I'd snap some pouty poses for your delectation and show you.....

                                          The colour I got was Raspberry Freeze in Pearl. At first I was uhmming and aaahing all over the place. Recently I've been loving a bold lip- espesh my Revlon Cherries in the Snow, 17 Hot Chilli and MUA in red. But this is really nice for daytime and very shiny as well.

And now I leave you with some Prince and your imagination....

Tan- Tastic!

We've all been there- the first pitiful attempts at fake tanning. The orange elbows, the Day Glo hands. Hell, I once applied 'gradual tanner' and my friend, being a photoholic, documented my journey from 'subtley bronze' to full on 'oompa loompa' during one memorable night out. And I don't say 'memorable' positively.

Me and my mates- painting the town orange

Anyway, the point is- I've been there, done that. Got the stained towels to prove it. And the most disappointing experiences in my quest for beach acceptable beauty has got to be gradual tanning moisturisers. I just didn't get what all the Johnson's Holiday Skin fuss was about. Yea it made me golden- for about a NANO second. Then I was left with streaks and the faint waft of unattractive tan smell.

So needless to say I was dubious to try another. But then the budget got real low. And with darkly dyed hair and pasty skin, I was beginning to resemble something from Twighlight (sorry but- *VOM*). I've got some pretty important things coming up- a visit to the in-laws, a night out with the gals, a NEW JOB NEXT WEEK! (Eek-finally).

So I did it, I sold out, counted the pennies in my hobo shoes and had just enough for a bottle of Garnier Summerbody lotion- Tesco £2.49

Image courtesy of mysupermarket.co.uk- damn computer wouldn't load my photographic piece of genius

Oh no, you tanning 'experts', you can't fool all of the people all of the time! This attempt round, I will not be won over by your 'easy application' baloney. I'm going gung-ho with the exfoliator prep, and the less said about the thoroughness of my application, the better.

And honestly? I'm really impressed. I have one slightly dubious patch, where my arm meets my wrist (but I think that's because I was paranoid about orange hands so I washed them pretty darn good). But overall, I've been left with a really nice glow. No TOWIE around here, thank you very much.

  ....Okay, so it doesn't show up quite so well on my camera as I'd imagined. So essentially, this is just a picture of my arm. Enjoy.

Would I re-purchase this tan? For such a bargainous price, yes. You have to be very careful with your application though. I'm not saying it won't end in slap dash streak horror if you don't apply carefully. One thing it does have on Johnson's is the fact you don't smell like gone off biscuits. You smell of apricots, which is a lot more appealing. And be careful of your face too. Mix it with moisturiser. A golden body will be ruined if your face resembles Jordan's left boob.

But come next week I shall officially be a working girl (minds out of the gutter please) so hopefully I won't have to face such a 'help I've no money and washed out skin so bad I'm scaring people' dilemma again.