Monkeying Around- My Daily Routine For Not Looking Like An Animal

Tonight my boyfriend and I are going to see 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' (is it me, or does that seem a bit of a long title, like I get to the second 'of the' and my mouth is all 'enough already, stuff me with popcorn!' They should have just called it 'Monkeys' or something).

Anyway, it will be a bit of a sentimental occasion for me. You know, seeing my family up there on the big screen.

You may laugh but beneath this beautiful goddess-like exterior, there is an extremely hairy mammal at large (sounds so wrong now I read that back).

So, ladies, it's time we talked about something a little..well, not really that talked about unless you're JLo and getting paid a ridic amount of money to prance around a beach and pretend like you DON'T have a maid to shave your legs for you. Which you so obviously do, because you're JLo.
That's right......Hair removal.

It's a subject close to my heart (not least because my chest is covered in hair.) I don't know about any of you, but I'm going to just go ahead and get it out there. Like an AA meeting for the genetically challenged....My name is Normalface and I naturally grow thick hair, fast.

There, I said it. I'm out.

We Brits are somewhere between the Germans (let it all hang loose) and those from LA ('I do not even want to SMELL hair on me, GOT IT?!!!') And to be honest, I guess hair comes down to personal preference.

My personal situation (it grows by the second, not the day) means that my preference is to be like the Miss Trunchball of body hair. I will hunt it down. And I will throw it in the Chokey.

We all like that extra insulation a couple of day's overgrowth can give to legs on a frosty winter morn.

But it doesnt exactly make me want to take my clothes off.

And those close to me will know that taking my clothes off is a sort of hobby of mine. Nobody enjoys it. But what do I care.

So now I share with you the secrets of my hairless success. It takes time. And it takes a lot of money in shower water. But these are some great products if you want to reduce the fuzz factor whilst simultaneously having a life (a secret I am yet to master.)

My personal opinion is that you can't go wrong with this stuff. That's a lie, you can most definitely go wrong. Leave it on for too long, especially in a sensitive area and well, you can wave goodbye to your skin as well as your hair. But practice makes perfect.

Using hair removal creams means less ingrown hairs than shaving. And let's face it, plucking at inward growing knee hairs in front of your boyfriend really isn't the best way to go about anything. Unless the thing you're trying to go about is making him run a mile.
I really would recommend this for hair anywhere (let's not go in to too much detail. We all have areas. And we all have a duty to ourselves to look after them.)

With the rising cost of petrol and bills, you might think that shaving creme is just one necessity too far. But it really does make a difference to your results. No one wants shaving rash. Unless you're trying to get out of a really awful date/ reunion/ meeting and you need an injury that a) looks horrendous enough to be believable but b) will clear up without any lasting scars.

I can't take all the credit for this one. It was actually a tip from Nicola Roberts. I said that like I know her. I don't. But I read it in a magazine, so it must be true, right?!

Apparently she uses this as an aide to shaving.

Well tbh, I don't really care if she said it or not. It's a damn good tip so it could have been said by Zippo the Clown for all I care. (You laugh, but that guy has been rocking the red lip trend for years. He doesn't look like such a joke now, does he?!)

 Leaves your skin feeling marvellous and baby soft.

The Things We Do For Fashion

Starve ourselves. Major LOLs, we wouldn't dream of that!

No, I am not starring in a budget version of 'Goldfinger' (though imagine how amazing THAT would be). I, being the socially conscious misfit I am, read in a bunch of magazines that sunshine yellow was THE colour for nails this season....

Why I'm telling you lot this, I don't know. If you're bothering to read this blog you read as many magazines as I do......and prbably avoided this trend.

Well I like to think of myself as the Ghandi of the budget beauty world. Tirelessly striving on behalf of my cash-strapped people for the best in the latest cosmetic buys. I know, I'm dangerously close to receiving that OBE already.

And if any of my experiments have deserved such an award, it is this. Damn you Chanel Mimosa, look what you have done to the fingernails of fashion slaves like me!....Before you ask,this is not Chanel Mimosa. £20 something for a nail polish, are you kidding me?! That'd feed my family for a week! (Jokes, I eat like a horse.....I could eat a horse......but then I would be a kind of weird cannibal type creature).

This is Buttercup by George at ASDA Quick Dry.

I think the photograph speaks for itself. But my conclusion is thus: If you really WANT to do this to yourself and I can't stop you, slap on the fake tan first and foremost and apply it to your toenails. Because that might look okay.....and not like you have the hands of ET and everytime you touch something you're trying to 'phone home'.

My Picks For The New Season

I know. No puns, no lame one-liners. Just a simple blog title. But don't be fooled- this is no simple post.

Oh no, there is salivating akimbo at my end. 

Granted, it may be August. The sun may be shining. My Sure Maximum Protect anti-perspirant may be tested to the limit. I may be using fake tan like there's no tomorrow......

And yet I am SO excited for autumn already!

Maybe it's because the whale flesh can be covered up more easily in the chilly months?.....But personally I think it's because I get to go SHOPPING!

And unlike those idiot looters over the last couple of days- I like to actually pay honestly for things. And as for the buffoon who burnt down Miss Selfridge?! Well, sacrilige should be punished with a burning of his own! He was sporting a JD bag for pete's sake, he wouldn't know style if Anna Wintour punched him in the face.

Not that I can imagine Anna Wintour punching anyone.
......................I imagine her as a Medusa type character-------- if ever she removes those sunnies and looks you in the eyes....well....you're in the shit.

Anwyay, back to what we came here to do.

Here are my (fashion- I will do beauty later) picks of the A/W season. Some of them are dreams. Mere dreams. Some of them, however, I've already bagged. Because I'm that frickin' smooth, baby.



How Mad Men. A beaut from River Island. And ALREADY in my closet.

£50......

Imagine if River Island was an actual place. I mean, I know it is a place; it's a shop. But imagine if it was an actual island. Imagine the Amazonian models prancing around in the latest get-up.....Then again, maybe not.

These are FABULOUS. And not just if you're a well dressed robber. RI, £24.99


And now we enter New Look.......

I love love LOVE these shoes! As soon as pay day comes, I'm getting them. Provided I can shove my sausage feet in to them....I usually have to go for the wide fit in New Look...there was an unfortunate incident with some cut out peep toes in the 'normal' section last week......it was not pretty and it did involve a certain someone being escorted away. £29.99

And these. £19.99. Now, I did try these on, and I know they feet. 1-0 to me.

£27.99. I like this.

£24.99. Very Frankie Sandford.

I know it's autumn, but I still think colours are a must, £34.99

These booties are from Very, £40.00.......and just between me and you, they're REALLY easy to walk in. .....Not that *cough* I have them already....*cough*

Now Boohoo....No I'm not crying, I'm talking the fashion label....

£20.00. I wish I had the figure to pull this off....but then I'm sure I've seen Joan Holloway in a similar number and she has both front luggage AND junk in the trunk....sooooooooooooooo.................

Accessorize. Yes, they're £16.00- but they've got the word 'Queen' in the name! SOLD!




Off With Her Head! (Of Dead Hair)

My hair and I are having a bit of a lover's tiff. Usually, we are the life and soul of the volume party, the envy of all our friends. The thickness we've got? Well, it's like no other.

But recently, things have gone a bit.....Flat. I don't know if it's sitting in a hot office all day that my hair feels as bad as I do, or what. And we've tried to get past this, we've had all kinds of hair therapy.

But it's like we just don't understand each other right now, you know?

The FINAL STRAW in this stale mariage came just yesterday when someone asked me "What's it like being a ginger?"

Now, as we all know, there is NOTHING wrogn with being a ginger. Hello, Joan Holloway, anyone?!

Not even my attempts at Rita Hayworth glam ar working. And yes, granted, I spend most of the working day picking at split ends.

And since life doesn't seem to be going anywhere right now, I decided my hair would.

All over the hairdresser's floor.

Like another famous red head with a penchant for feasting, I decided that it's 'for the chop.'

So farewell split ends, adios. Cut and colour here we come.

Whom art thou?

As anyone who reads this blog will know *cough* just me, not even my own mother bothers *cough* I am a....what you would call a....yea.....MAHUSIVE Beyonce fan. That's not to say I'm massive (though I do need to lay off the baked goods. It's going to cost me a bomb in fake tan to do my wobbly bits at this rate). What I mean to say is, I really love Queen B. I was feeling really down the other day about life and where it's going and the fact I'd chipped my nail polish *sigh* what's a gal to do?! So then I did what we all do when we're down on life....I youtubed Beyonce. Natch.

And this documentary made me get back up on my feet again. She's literally awe inspiring, so take a peek if you have time.....

So anywhoo, I'm loving the Beyonce, getting some of her new tunes all up in my grill when I come across THIS.

Oh right, a nice pretty white blonde lady.

WAIIIIIIITTTT.....WHat the BeJeeBErs?! That's Mrs Z?!

oh idol, I'm so disappointed. Dontcha know that your success is built on your immense talents and not on the colour of your skin?|! Now take off that wig, embrace your true self and go back to doing what we love you for......belting out a tune and shaking your money maker.